It’s an addiction.
After confessing my self harm to my therapist at the age of 13, I was informed of my “incredible stupidity”, followed by the remark “I don’t understand how someone of your intelligence could think that self harm was the answer.”
Retrospectively, I suppose a part of her, however consciously the notion had been formed, was aiming to wound my ego-to cause me to bounce back happily and snap out of the habit. She was pulling, recklessly, at my own self-torturing, egotistical view of myself as someone who lusted after bravery and was far too bold to lose in the face of life.
I cut myself that night, and every night thereafter.
Needless to say, manipulation; comparisons, will never cure mental illness-all they do is silence the ill, who lock the door to their dark-side and throw away the key. Festering, waiting: suppressed until a later date.
Nobody chooses to self harm. Much like nobody chooses to suffer from depression, bipolar or schizophrenia. It is not a decision made out of boredom or stand-alone curiosity, as much as those looking for culprits behind the NHS crisis might like to think so. For some, given the circumstances or pressures they face, it appears to be a necessity; nothing more, nothing less. Often, it is a last resort.
I understand, how, for those who have never felt the urge to cut or burn themselves, the concept may seem shocking-unimaginable and, above all, pointless. In this case, I would ask those people to envisage themselves shipwrecked far from shore, a mile and a half from land-cold, alone and near to the end. There are two options; neither of which are ideal or particularly desirable. The first is to grab hold of the life ring ten strokes to your right. The second: to swim ashore, with no promise of making it back safe at all.
Most people, despite the knowledge that clutching an inflatable until the end of eternity is absurdity personified, would still opt to do so. Why? Because, in the short-term, immediate future, the comfort, the feeling of safety, is guaranteed. There are no doubts about that. After all, who wouldn’t delay a traumatic and deeply agonising journey back to land?
In the case of those who opt for the prior, self harm is the life-ring; the one certainty, the stand-alone quick-fix that currently surrounds them. It is not-has never been-about the belief that cutting oneself with a razor is the answer to all inner-devils. It is far more complex than that.
For starters, injuring oneself can lead to a neurological addiction. It is scientifically proven that, when wounded or hurt, the brain releases a surge of serotonin, a feel good chemical, to counteract the pain. It is one of our multiple evolutionary adaptation to cope with physical discomfort-another being the automatic impulse to rub the affected area when we fall over in an attempt to interrupt the pain signals sent to the brain. Fundamentally, opinion and personal thoughts about self harm aside, the fact is that it does, in the short term, for many people, help.
We are not “stupid”.
We are depending on the empathy and understanding of those around us to help guide us back to shore.
Thank you so much for reading! I’ve been very caught up in revision and schoolwork at the moment-so if I’ve missed one of your posts, please link it below and I’d be delighted to take a look! 🙂
Bea x
I just want to say, as someone who has self harmed a lot in my past, I have no clue if this will help. I was told this and it made no difference. But I think you are a beautiful human being
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Hey, thank you! What was it you were told?
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That self harm was stupid and a waste of the life I was given
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Whoever said that clearly had no idea what they were talking about. No one chooses to suffer x
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i must say that between all the posts ive ever read regarding self-harm, this by far was the best. knowing that someone like you thinks this way, made me really happy…
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Thank you so much, that’s such a nice thing to read! One day, I hope that everyone will be educated on the issue and that mental health will no longer be taboo 🙂
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I could have never guessed that one as talented as you would have done that.but you’re right. It isn’t stupid. It’s a sort if addiction for which you need special kind of care. I’m glad you found a way out. More power to you!
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I can totally relate to your post. Self harm is no joke. I remember thinking that it was the only answer for me but I got through it. Being manipulated or forced really takes a toll on your life. But we come back stronger than ever 😊
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I’m so sorry for the delay in response. I totally agree with you and I’m so glad that you have come through the other side. There’s so much stigma attached to mental illness, and it’s lovely to hear from someone who is so enlightened (although, unfortunately, it sounds as if it came from suffering personally). How are you these days? Best wishes to you! 😊
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It’s completely alright! Having to go through something alone is very difficult compared to having support but if you have strength and self motivation I guess, you can achieve anything 😊
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That is very true, and you’ve just reminded me of that at a time where i need it-so thank you lovely! 🙂
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You’re welcome! Just keep pushing forward and fight through everything 😊😊
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Thank you for your kind words, best wishes to you 💕😊
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Thanks for this post, I feel like this is such a confusing behavior for people who’ve never dealt with mental health issues. I wish people could see the depth of emotional pain that must be there in order for self-harm to feel like relief. It’s not something to be judged harshly. It’s a desperate attempt to regulate emotions, and prevent things from escalating any further. It’s a coping mechanism that works, otherwise people wouldn’t use it. With all that said, sometimes empathy cannot grow without there first being an understanding of why.
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It’s understandable that they can’t fully get their heads around it really. I totally agree with you. There’s too much stigma, and it silences those who are suffering-but hopefully if enough people speak up this will change! Thank you so much for your comment! 🙂
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This is very informative. Great post!
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Thank you! 🙂 I hope you’re well x
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You’re welcome. I’m okay, thanks for asking . 🙂
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That’s good. Let me know if you need anything! 🙂
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Bea. You are a gem that this world needs. You never fail to amaze me ❤ One of my best friend used to cut and while I try to empathize with and understand her, it was so difficult for me to understand /why/ do it. Thank you for this.
PS I’ll reply to your email soon! x
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As are you-even you said yourself that you didn’t understand fully, but you still tried to empathise and that is an awesome skill to have. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for you Kate 🙂 How is your friend these days?
No worries, I understand! I’ll look forward to talking soon♥x
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I love reading your blog because you clearly move beyond the surface. It’s so easy to cast judgement and be dismissive, rather than take some time to understand a situation. Great post which reminds me of something I wrote
Not a cheap plug, but it was my take on the similar way people tend to dismiss things they don’t understand. Hope all is well with you and your studies
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Thank you Tyrone! 🙂 Perhaps it is having personal experience with these things that allows me to talk about these things. I hope all is well too! I will take a look now:)
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This is a great example of the mental anguish a person experiences right before self-harming.
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Thank you, I’m glad-so many people are going through self harm, but I do genuinely believe that with support and true understanding from those around them, there is hope! 🙂
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This is the best post about self-harm I’ve ever read. It really helped me to understand (a friend of mine used to cut). Thank you
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Thank you, that means so much! 🙂 To be honest, I can imagine you being a pretty supportive friend regardless. How is your friend now? X
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She’s a lot better! Thanks for asking 😄
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Perfect👌🏻❤xxxx
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