I was on a date the other day with a girl whom I (regrettably) took to Starbucks. I paid £3.40 for a cup of lemonade, filled so high with ice that, by the time it had melted, was essentially a cup of sour water. You would have thought, really, regarding the tax evasion, that the quality of the beverages would have been substantially better.
We weren’t having a great time; there was no chemistry on my part, even if she did feel a spark. It was not only a lack of physical attraction-it was that, above all else, her words and her beliefs were ugly. Little had I known beforehand, that morning I would be sitting across the table from some British descendant of Donald Trump with sizeable breasts and a horrific half-fringe.
Beginning to discuss the troubled youths surrounding us each and every day, she commented “They’re all typical white, privileged, selfish kids.”
It’s an opinion I’ve heard a lot-and, as someone who frequently suffers from clinical depression and OCD, I find it ignorant; grating to say at the least.
We, as a product of evolution, have become-potentially-astoundingly advanced in our thought processes. The vast majority of us know the difference from right and wrong, kind from cruel and ethical and immoral. So why are some of us so very limited when it comes to dishing out sympathy?
It is not as if we’re in danger of running out of some kind of metaphorical “credit”; empathy and compassion are limitless. Being kind and showing understanding to someone with depression in the first world by no means diminishes the horror you feel for those starving in the third world. The human mind holds the capacity to care for everyone under the sun-if only we allow it to.
Retrospectively, I should have walked away there and then; tipped that sodding lemonade down the front of her tight black dress and swept away, Monroe style. But I didn’t-and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Instead, I attempted to engage her in an intelligent conversation: wanting to give her the chance to justify her “viewpoint”, both out of interest and with the optimism of correcting her in mind.
I don’t always talk about self destruction on first dates; it’s not my number 1 pulling strategy. But I think it’s important to know, in advance, if you’re going to potentially end up dating a fascist. I’ve never understood small talk-not only is it a fucking bore, but also a distraction from the importance of getting to know-to really know-a person.
She proceeded to say “Self harm is attention-seeking, a vast majority of the time”. Which, in some cases, is very true. But I wanted to push her outside the comfort of her own, snow-globe world. I came back with the argument, that, even if self harm were attention seeking, perhaps that is because, as human beings, we crave love and TLC when we reach rock bottom: and instead of slating those cries for help, we should offer a hand. I used my own experience of being a twelve year old girl who felt as if she had to hurt herself because she felt it was the only way to make those around her listen.
I used to cut myself and leave blood stained tissues in obvious places: not as a conscious decision, but perhaps more of an inner, more subtle, hint to those around me. Suffering from severe clinical depression, having used all the words in the Oxford Dictionary, I’d hit a brick wall.
Since then, self harm has become a far more complex coping mechanism, with its own hell, its own terrors and nightmares. But at the time, on my 13th birthday, it screamed only one thing: “please, please help me”.
Needless to say, her response was far from supportive.
“You deserve all the hate that you get, in that case. You’re an ungrateful white girl-you don’t go to Africa and see kids with scars and mutilated bodies.”
To me, that came across not only as offensive, but-more overpoweringly-naive: demonstrating an incredible lack of knowledge about mental illness and the human mind. There is a certain sting that comes with being told to “count your blessings”: although this is a great life skill, the prospect that it would help cure clinical depression and paranoid schizophrenia is pure idealism; nothing more than background noise.
Mental illness is not about who in the world, has it “worse”. There is no scale of pain, and nor should there be. We are all here to look after one another-and that’s one of the few things in our society that comes free of VAT.
Was scared when I clicked on this the title was going to be your opinion. I’m relieved haha. As someone who suffers from depression and has self harmed that kind of rhetoric is endlessly damaging. Of course children living in poverty have it worse, but that doesn’t diminish anyone else’s pain? Xx
https://tenmoreminutesblog.wordpress.com
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No, I try to be as mental-health savvy as possible haha 🙂 I totally agree, and it’s not easy when you’re on the receiving end of that kind of judgement! To be honest, there are so many different kinds of pain-I want to rescue everyone living in horrific conditions as well as those who are mentally suffering. Thank you very much for your comment, I’ll go check out your blog! 🙂 xx
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Yeah the world is just full of so many shitty things. It’s impossible to help everyone but relatively easy to have empathy for everyone’s different struggles. Think it’s really important for people to get talking about things like mental health, it’s still very stigmatised. I’m hoping I’ll write a post on it sometime but not sure I’m quite ready for that yet xx
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That’s totally fair enough, you should only do what feels comfortable. How are you doing generally these days?xx
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Only really started any kind of treatment late last year (long time coming!) so still kind of on the road to some kind of normality haha. I’ll get there, and yourself? xx
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That’s fair enough, I think it’s perfectly normal to still be finding your feet within the whole process-I don’t think people actually appreciate how huge having treatment is. If you think about it, in a lot of ways, it’s much like undergoing a surgical procedure on your brain. Ah, I’m okay-not the best, but I’ll get there, same as you 🙂 xx
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Yeah I reckon it’s a relatively long and exhausting process but hey hopefully it’ll be worth it for both of us 🙂 xx
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I really hope it goes well for you! If you need to talk about anything in more detail though, please feel free to drop me a line: my email is childofcynicism1@yahoo.com xx
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Thanks! Same to you 🙂 xx
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Nothing good ever comes out of the game of “who has it worse”. I played that game with my own depression, feeling angry at people who were depressed when they had it better than me – but that is a double-edged sword. Thankfully I developed as a person and moved beyond that stage. I strive to be more empathetic and open-minded now.
But comparing our depression and self-harm to that of people in third world countries is absurd. A person who is literally fighting to stay alive amidst starvation and pestilence is not going to cut or kill themselves. That doesn’t mean they don’t struggle with depression or any other myriad of psychological issues that may cause them to WISH for death. But a drowning person doesn’t wish they were drowning, all they wish for is to breathe. Once they have air again, they may wish they had drowned… but they cycle could continue endlessly; the body fights no matter what the mind feels. Only those of us who have all the necessities to survive have the “luxuary” of self-harm and suicide as options.
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I used to feel the exact same way too-and also a huge sense of guilt about feeling bad because there are people who’ve “had it worse”. But as you said, one cannot help having a mental illness-and empathy can go a long way.
I hope you are okay these days, and I’m glad to hear you’ve found peace with yourself over this particular issue. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! You have raised some very interesting points! 🙂
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…. Was she for real? I do wonder if our inner angst is a first world problem …..as for Africans and scars. I have them on my arms and breast and legs…I’m black British though so I guess that doesn’t count. Lol !
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It could well be-but I still think it’s very valid, either way :). We put far too much emphasis on skin colour, it’s insane if you think about it-but there is a stereotypes of self harm being a “white” problem. Which, as you just proved, it really isn’t and impacts a lot of people, regardless of race. Thanks for reading! I hope you’re doing okay 🙂
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Dude I would’ve dumped the lemonade on her head screw pouring it down her top! How ignorant can someone be. You’re lucky you got out while you could my dude. I ended up dating one of these types for months what a waste of time lmao
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Yeah, but at least I found out now rather than in three months time 🙂 I got home to another really vile message about my self harm today-it’s so unnecessary! Hope you’re okay, thanks for reading 🙂
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Of course 🙂 I hope you’re good too
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Hot damn. Sounds terrible. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, friend.
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Heyo. You’re the only one I follow on wordpress. Really do like the way you write. You take care.
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Thank you! That’s such a compliment 🙂 You too! 🙂
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this is a beautiful piece. keep on writing like you do xx
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Thank you so much!xx
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I’ve met people like her before, it’s sad when a person who’s never been in that place can be so cruel, just because they don’t understand.
Great post with a great message! 😊
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I know, there’s too many of them about. I agree with you-it makes me wonder where that kind of cruelty comes from. Thank you! 🙂
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Some people will just never understand some things. It’s sad.
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It is sad. Especially when these people often spread so much poison. Thank you for reading 🙂
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Good God this must’ve been uncomfortable. Should’ve used the old “Family emergency! I must dash!”
Ignorance is her new best friend.
I have just liked a bunch of your posts but I can feel a blog binge cropping up. Hi, by the way. I absolutely love the way your write. Genuinely, I want/need to read through more posts! I’m kicking myself over the fact that I haven’t come across your site before.
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It was very uncomfortable! 🙂 Hi! Thank you so much, that’s lovely! 🙂 x
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Wow. She sounds just wonderful!
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I know. I don’t understand how someone can be so ignorant!x
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Yeah, you should’ve tipped that lemonade down her front. She really has no idea. Great post babe!<3 x
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Something I’ll eternally regret not doing ;). Thank you Al xx
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