I was four going on five when I was told to “pick a side”. I never found my feelings to be a cause of confusion, despite the tonnes of stereotypes and misconceptions I was faced by-in fact, on the contrary, I found it pretty fucking obvious. I had the laws of love spot on by the time I reached primary school, and not a moment later.
As someone who isn’t and has never been particularly fussy about the sex of a potential love interest or, as a child, hugely over-invested crush, it’s easy to say that gender is irrelevant in regards to the whole romantic side of life. To me; often, it is. But evidently- and without a doubt-many people feel bias towards one gender or another, and there is no harm in having a preference or even a label.
On one condition: That has to be something that liberates you as opposed to limits you.
So frequently, I hear tales from classmates, family members, and grown adults that talk of ‘confusion’ over their sexual orientation. Until yesterday, they identified as exclusively heterosexual, and now a striking young man who could well have stepped out of Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake has entered the stage. Gone with the sexual attraction to women, never to be seen again.
Not exactly.
Often, the laws of love and lust are far more complex than that. It is rarely black and white; there are many grey areas. In days gone by, we assumed that opposites attract solely for the purpose of reproduction and the survival of our race. Falling in love was a by-product, occurring purely so that two parents would stay emotionally and physically close so as to give the child the best possible start in life.
In many ways, times have changed-we still buy into misconceptions and false information-but generally, in developed countries, we have more understanding of human sexuality. Whilst I believe that the above-mentioned is almost certainly a factor of why some fall in love, it is far from a thorough explanation; at least from a neuroscientific perspective. If that was the case, why, evolutionarily, would two people who weren’t able or weren’t willing to have children experience the exact same overwhelming feelings?
It’s something I’ve been considering for as long as I can recall, unsatisfied by the answer “because it just is”. Almost always, we evolve to be the magnificent creatures that we are for a reason-not a spiritual, ulterior meaning, but for the ultimate purpose that has been deep rooted within each and every one of us throughout history: survival. And because of the plasticity of the human brain in comparison to the somewhat hardwired nature of almost every other animal, we have found deeper, more emotionally orientated ways of soothing our vulnerabilities.
There is a reason for the confession “I fell for them because they were there”. As highly strung lifeforms, we seek and are sought after as sources of comfort-whenever and whoever that may be. Falling in love is somewhat of a survival mechanism. Oxytocin and serotonin are released as perfect biological rewards.
Of course, romance has its downfalls-it has never been invincible or guaranteed. But perhaps that sums up nature in general-clever in theory; but imperfect in practice.
Interestingly, it is thought that women are more sexually fluid than their male counterparts. We have no way of confirming, at this point in time, if there’s any genetic reason for that-or whether it’s an environmental outcome. However, a possible explanation for this lies in the fact that, down throughout the ages, women’s sexuality has always been downplayed by a misogynistic society. It’s portrayed as somehow naïve, attraction to the same sex is “playful”, “self discovering” and existing primarily to please the opposite gender. Opposingly, men are viewed as generally speaking more powerful-with a much stronger and more overwhelming need for sex-and to be anything but exclusively heterosexual is viewed as unmanly.
It makes me wonder, as a society, where our values lie if we are teaching children to conform to gender norms and sexual categories as opposed to allowing them to fall purely for a person. Are we really “allowing them to remain innocent”-or is this just an excuse for the collateral damage that entails closed-mindedness?
There is no way of knowing why we feel attraction towards the people that we do-particularly when it comes to gender. It’s a fascinating and often unnerving journey into the human mind; yet knowing is not essential.
The only fact that we can be sure of, right here and right now, is that it matters not who you fall for; or indeed, why you fall for them. It is okay-advisable, even-to always follow your heart and go where the day takes you.
To be happy is to be free:
Love needs no labels.
Just be yourself and do what u enjoy
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Just came across this! Some amazing points made, loved reading it x
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Thank you! I’m glad 🙂 How are you doing?x
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I’m good thank you, glad it’s the weekend! How about you x
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Same here! Roll on 3:30 🙂 I’m fine thank you, I hope you have a great weekend x
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You are so right. Everything about this is just so true. Daily, I wonder WHY the hell people feel the need to put ‘label’s’ on others. Why? It doesn’t help society. To put people into boxes, just doesn’t work. Like you mentioned, things aren’t black and white. Life, and love doesn’t work like that. So to be allowed to explore your feelings, without the added pressure of other’s opinions on what you are, is the most important. Our children should all be taught that they don’t have to conform. That they are free to make decisions, and fall in love with whoever they want to, regardless of their previously thought sexuality. Thank you for this inspiring and thoughtful post ❤ x
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You know, the positive reactions to this I’ve had have been really reassuring-it’s nice to see that so many people find gender irrelevant! Whether or not someone chooses to label is a personal choice and there are always preferences, but sometimes, as you just said, it’s healthier to go with the flow. After all, the only thing it comes down to is whether or not someone has a penis :). Which seems a bit petty, if you think about it.xx
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Yes it is, again well done to you for writing this ❤
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Thank you! ♥ I think I messaged you on Instagram?
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Ooh let me check 🙂 xx
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That was one of the most powerful, and one of the most true, things I have ever read. I felt “confusion” but then came to the realisation that to me, it didn’t matter. People are people, love is love, and it’s not uniform or split into neat little categories.
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Thank you! I’m so glad you found it useful-I think so many people have felt the same way as me and you; and it’s a shame that there is confusion over sexuality. That’s exactly how I feel about my orientation too-as long as they’re a good person, it’s pretty much irrelevant.
I’ve been reading your blog for pretty much as long as I’ve been blogging-and you’re a credit to young people 🙂
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Some very good points there. I think it is important to take a more laid back approach to these issues and as you say not become focused on labels. I think for alot of people it is such a defining thing about how they see themselves and I have never understood that really.
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I really agree with the point you made about labels: “That has to be something that liberates you as opposed to limits you.” I think as a society in general we are very scared of people who don’t have labels. Like, if you aren’t this or this…what are you? It’s unfortunate, but I think we will move past it slowly and surely. I am a female who has always been sexually/romantically attracted to males, but I’ve always said to myself that if I ever met a female who I fell for that I wouldn’t hold myself back just because I previously referred to myself as “heterosexual.” Like you said, labels shouldn’t limit you! x
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That’s so true-as a society, we are afraid of people who refuse to fit into boxes. We tend to want a quick and easy way of determining what someone is-but that’s not particularly healthy for anybody.
I think that’s a really great way to live! And something that could potentially save you a lot of confusion and heartbreak. As you said, you have a strong preference, but you’re keeping an open mind just in case.
Thank you for commenting! This was really interesting to read and it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who shares this viewpoint! 🙂
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Thanks for posting! I enjoyed the read 🙂
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This post is so perfect in every way! Although I myself label myself as Bisexual, I strongly believe Love has no labels. Thank you for this!!!
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Thank you! 🙂 It’s really about what makes you happy-some people find labels helpful, others find them a huge pressure and inconvenience. Thank you for reading! 🙂 x
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I love reading your posts. They are always so thought provoking!
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Thank you so much! Your comments are always so lovely ♥
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