Ultimately, we’re just a few billion atoms. That’s it. There’s no meaning to being alive.
Some people trick themselves into believing in an afterlife-an eternity of happiness for them and eternal damnation for anybody else that they can’t understand. There are endless tales about God and a higher power and whatever the fuck else satisfies the need to know the unknown. They’d bloody well kill for their savior.
But to some unfortunate bastards, life is just that; life. A birth is a birth and a death is a death. The world moves on.
When I study another being, through the endless depths of murkiness and blurred past experiences that people cling to like safety blankets, what I see is myself, and rarely just another human. And staring back, invading my eyes and life, they see a reflection, too. Besides that, there is little more than an echo of another soul brushing with mine in the fleeting moment that clings to its place in time obediently. I am a humanist.
I grasp my madness, my comfort, almost afraid to cut the cord and start a fresh. Above any other force within me, there is pessimism; a considerable amount of cynicism. Many things make a person disturbed and alone in this world-and there is no word that describes insane more accurately than human.
And sometimes, when the insanity builds and there is nowhere left for its hiding, no more capacity for it within my blood and veins, I cut myself, watch it seep out slowly. Sanctuary from my mind, a shelter from the storm
Inevitably, the dawn of the next morning brings with it pain, just kicked in from the night before. And a significant amount of loneliness at the prospect of having to hide the dark side that has emerged on myself. Shame; embarrassment.
And sometimes in those moments of vulnerability,I feel doubt about existence.
But all of this is insignificant, I have told myself time and time again as I try to hold onto my strong view of reality.
Ultimately, we are just a few billion atoms.
There is no meaning to being alive.
But this time I am grateful.
Whatever happens to me, whenever pain and terror appear in my life and impose themselves into my mind, I need to be certain that I am worthless, and gone within the blink of an eye.